Breaking My Worst Habit.

I have this nasty habit.  Probably my most destructive one.

There’s this part of my brain that see’s things differently than the majority.

I constantly see how things could be better.

Not materialistic things like a newer car, a bigger fancier house, or more money in the bank.  Oh hey Shhhh here’s a secret…..I tried to believe and act like all those materialistic things were important, ya know to try and “Fit in“.  Know what?  It didn’t work out so well for my mental stability.

My core believed in more humanistic things like better working conditions, more equality, compassion, patience and understanding.

Sounds all mushy happy warm feelings and shit doesn’t it…. But it’s how I feel.  I finally figured out you can fight your core all you want.  You will never win…. it will still be in there poking at you from the inside out.

Anyway, back to this story.

So I can see solutions to these problems flashing like a neon sign.  They don’t require money thrown at them, they require emotional investment.  Hey guess what….. Apparently not everyone can see what I see, and emotional seems to be a trigger word that sends people running and screaming like extras in a Godzilla movie. WTF…. Really?  Well who’d a thought.  Oh, and it took me a long time to not only realize this but to understand.

Right so, the nasty habit?  It’s how I react to the actions of those who don’t share my point of view.

I would feel hurt, misunderstood, ignored and demoralized when my visions of better were dismissed, rejected or perceived as not important.  Which, I understand I can’t change how I feel, it’s my reaction to those feelings that was a bad habit.

My reaction was frustration and anger towards those who seemingly refused to see my point of view.  These reactions only accomplished a personal state of darkness.  The frustration and anger contributed to my anxiety, depression, a loss of trust and hope for the world.  I wanted to retreat, go into hiding, barricade myself from interaction with people.  I felt like NO ONE cared about anything but money and materialistic things.  I’ve even been asked:

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? Are you EVER happy?

Well that’s complex….. another story for another time.

The reality is, it isn’t true people in this world don’t care.  Even the people that reject MY ideas of better aren’t bad people, and it’s not that they don’t care. They may just care about something else.  I mean we’re raised in a society that defines success as more money in the bank, bigger houses, fancier cars, a more prestigious job title, more, more, more is better.  So in the majority of peoples minds, they too are looking for better.

Now here’s the catch…. By not accepting or understanding their view of better, I’m acting EXACTLY like the people who don’t accept or understand my view.

I’m essentially trying to get people to conform to my view.  Well that’s pretty damn hypocritical.   Shit, curse you brain, why must you be so objective sometimes!!!  Reacting from a state of anger and negativity will accomplish nothing.  It’s like driving a truck with 4 bald tires into a mud pit only running on 2 cylinders, with a tank full of stale gas and thinking you’re gonna make it to the other side.

I’m sorry, manifest, believe, visualize, or pray all you fucking want.

Until you take yourself back to the shop, invest some time and effort,  DO SOME WORK,  rebuild that engine,and slap on some big ole mud grips,  invest in a tank of race fuel, you’re going to sit two feet into that mud pit puking smoke and spinning those bald tires.  That motor’s probably gonna blow up.  You may even make the next viral YouTube epic fail video.

So I’m in the process of doing just that.  Taking myself back to the shop that is……not a YouTube fail video…although that gives me an idea….. Shit, anyway so….I’m in the shop rebuilding.

To be completely honest I backed in a rusted up, exhausted, worn out old Jeep CJ.  It’s gonna be a project for sure.

Now instead of saying “YOU NEED to do this and it will be better!!!”.

I try to look at a situation and ask myself “What information can I take from this, and how can I use it to make MYSELF better.”  To be more kind, compassionate, understanding, accepting and patient.

How can I build my engine stronger.  Where can I find bigger tires. I’ll ditch the worn out old leaf springs for some of them fancy coil over race springs.  That way when I pull up to a mud pit, I don’t NEED to wish, manifest and pray (although it never hurts).  Because I’ll have the confidence and TRUST in the strength of my engine, the grip on my tires, and the quality of the fuel in my tank.  It may take more than one attempt, but I KNOW I’m gonna make it.

I’m surely not alone in my views and opinions.  There are others.  Some hiding or avoiding, just like I did for so many years.  Some spinning their tires in the mud, just like I did.

I’m done wasting energy on those who don’t want change and trying to get them on board with my views of better.

For those who may be wondering, who are curious what change could be, or those who are actively seeking….. Lets do some work, break some bad habits (and some societal  rules cuz that’s always fun), build some bad ass big blocks and hit the mud pits.

I think when others see how much fun we’re having, they may want in on the action.

Thanks for reading

Matt

 

 

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