I honestly don’t know how to effectively put it into words.
To be able to describe that moment when you realize something profound about life. Not recognize something as a good idea, it’s not an interesting theory, It’s not something to re-tweet, hashtag, or “like”. It’s that moment when you realize you understand something. You understand it with certainty. So certain that you could stand in the presence of intense criticism and smile. Smile because you understand, even if the critics don’t.
The desire to feel “right” fades, the need for validation is gone, the search for justification ends. Feeling like you need to defend what you THINK you believe disappears.
It’s pretty liberating.
I can say I know I’ve been lost for a long time. Knowing it and understanding it are two different things. I’ve said for years that I’m just a country kid wandering the forest of life, but I didn’t understand what that meant. I made comment to a friend one day that I’ve been gone for too long, It’s time to go home. I didn’t understand what that meant.
I was searching. Searching for me, searching for my “purpose”, searching, searching, searching. Always looking out there……..
But here’s the deal, I wasn’t lost. I was searching for something I’d never find, because it wasn’t gone. It would pop up in front of my face and I’d push it aside “Get out of my way, can’t you see I’m looking for something here?!!!!”
I didn’t loose me……..I had lost track of reality. There was a huge inconsistency with how I saw the world and how I FELT the world. Thing is, I’ve always recognized that I seem to see the world differently than most people. But I was feeling the world exactly the same way as most people.
I had a misunderstanding of where my feelings were coming from. I believed they were coming from past events, or they were an indication of future events. Well that’s just not fucking possible. The past is gone, has no indication that what happened then will have the same result today, and the future hasn’t come so how can you feel the future?
I was making it all up…….. Fuck me, a lot of my life has been a misunderstanding.
That may terrify most people. But it excited me.
Sounds crazy I know.
Understanding where your feelings are actually coming from is also something NO ONE can tell you HOW to understand. NOBODY.
You must come to your own understanding. There are ways people can help you to do that, but no one can tell you how.
So there in-lies the hope. Everyone has the capacity to understand. You can relax knowing there are people who will put out a hand and help you along your journey, if you are willing to accept the hand. They won’t pick you up and carry you. But they will be there to pull you up when you fall.
Isn’t that an amazing thought? I think so.
This may all sound confusing as hell, and if you read this far, are thinking What the Fuck? and maybe perhaps you’re still curious…..
I’d love to have a deeper conversation.
I’m interested in how you feel the world.
I can say for certain: I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I believe in you.